An image of a raven soaring over Los Angeles

We Need A National Gun Violence Memorial

an essay by Jasper Nighthawk

Two months ago, as I worked on this essay, I wrote the middle parts and left a simple placeholder—“[some kinda hook]”—where this introduction would go. It’s not unheard of to write the opening last, and unfortunately, in this case, I knew a hook would present itself in the news soon enough. When you write about gun violence in the United States of America, there’s always a next time.

Right on cue, horror struck. On the New York City subway, a gunman started shooting his handgun and didn’t stop until 29 people were injured. Miraculously, no one died. Still, the event filled millions of people with fear and sorrow and empathy. And it changed forever the lives of those on that subway car who experienced this cruel, pointless act.

Meanwhile, far away from the actual attack, it didn’t take long for tragedy to get transformed into the hook for hundreds of hot takes and think pieces and press releases. Police expansionists used it to push a narrative of fear and argue that we need a bigger, more empowered, more militarized police. Gun control advocates pointed to the attack as yet another data point showing the need to pass laws that restrict access to guns.

If you’d prefer an audio version, you can listen to this essay on the Lightplay podcast:

And then, as I finished this essay, a young man with an assault rifle entered a Tops grocery store in Buffalo and killed ten shoppers, all of them Black. The media cycle repeated itself, with some changes due to the shooter’s clear link to right-wing propaganda. Then, it happened again: a young man with two assault rifles killed nineteen kids and two teachers at Robb Elementary School in Ulvade, and injured seventeen others. More op-eds were penned, hands wrung, hopes and prayers offered.

It’s unspeakably awful. My heart breaks, for all these lives lost, these families shattered. For every one of us who bears the psychic wound of witnessing senseless violence at massive scale. I’m sorry this is our world.

But what can we actually do? Yet again make the same well-trodden arguments? I find myself deeply pessimistic about our nation’s politics. On this issue we’re hopelessly paralyzed, held hostage by a small minority for whom guns are central to their identities. The representatives of the guns-everywhere crowd at a minimum can veto any legislation or regulation to make this not happen again. Another cry into the void, no matter how well-written or righteous, is unlikely to make the necessary change.

Instead, I’d like to make a different, though related, proposal. Yes, we need new laws. But in the meantime we also need a new vessel for our grief, a new platform from which to communicate the incredible pain our country bears from its centuries-long scourge of gun violence. We need a space in which we can sustain our passion, mark our progress, and grow our power. We need a National Gun Violence Memorial.

Imagine a trip to the National Gun Violence Memorial. You arrive in the morning and enter through metal detectors. The mood is solemn. The Memorial is on a large grounds, with space to expand as long as gun violence continues.

You start moving through the Memorial, and you find yourself following the chronology of gun violence in America. At the start, the scale of the monument is small. Intimate. You read the engraved names of settlers, Indigenous folks, enslaved Africans—all people killed by guns. There is a rise in gun deaths around the Revolutionary War, and afterwards the numbers dip—and then steadily climb. Perhaps there are design elements to indicate the invention of new types of gun.

Soon you reach the Civil War. Its death toll is immense. The structure towers. So many human lives, each ended by one or more shots from a firearm. So many names.

The tide recedes for a time, but not all the way. Gun violence continues. Massacres. Shoot-outs. Murders. Suicides. All recorded, given some kind of modest context but mostly seen as part of the great whole of gun violence.

Eventually you approach the present day. The numbers of the dead rise and rise. Flowers are left beneath loved ones’ names. And now, mixed in with the great numbers of names of those dead by suicide and homicide and accident there are the mass shootings. Columbine. The Pulse Nightclub. San Bernardino. Sandy Hook. Aurora. Buffalo. Ulvade.

And also, if you care to look up their locations, you can find the names of those who died at the end of a gun held by a police officer. And the names of those police officers who died, shot while working. All the names are printed at the same size.

Finally, you reach the present day. A few employees of the Memorial are attaching the latest row of plaques. Work is being done to expand the monument. And you wonder, “How much bigger is this monument going to become?”

Memorials give us space to hold memory, to make pilgrimage, and to pay our respects. They give us a place to which we can lead a march. We can lay a wreath. We can stand and weep. And be seen weeping. At a memorial, weeping can be a political act. A memorial is many things, including a stage.

Memorials occupy space in the cultural imagination. I have never been to the Vietnam War Memorial in Washington, DC, but in high school I studied Maya Lin’s winning design, a depression in the earth, every last name etched in shiny black stone. Just learning about this space made me firmer in my anti-war beliefs. I’ve also never been to Yad Veshem, the museum in Jerusalem that remembers the Holocaust. Yet many have told me about it, about the emotional experience of passing through it. A memorial—in this case also a museum—can reach people through word of mouth.

The memorial that has affected me the most—despite never having visited it—is the National Memorial for Peace and Justice in Montgomery, Alabama. This memorial, which is less formally known as the National Lynching Memorial, consists centrally of a vast, shed-roofed square with 805 hanging rectangles of steel that represent each US county where a documented lynching took place. Each steel rectangle is engraved with the names of the people known to have died there in acts of racial violence. In an accompanying museum, there stand hundreds of clear glass jars, each filled with soil taken from the site of a documented lynching.

Memorials make absence visible. They give shape to a void. And in their very substantiality, their tangibility, they help us grapple with the immensity of a collective loss.

Simply knowing about the National Memorial for Peace and Justice, reading news articles about it, looking at pictures, reading the report that led to its construction—these interactions with the memorial forced me to reckon with the history of violence perpetrated by our country, within living memory, against Black people and Black communities. It’s harder to look away when there’s actually something there that you can look at. And it should be noted that, since the National Memorial for Peace and Justice opened in 2018, our country has seen the largest protests for racial justice since the Civil Rights Movement of the ‘50s and ‘60s. There’s not a straight line between the two, of course, but neither are the two phenomena entirely disconnected.

Another group of activists we can draw inspiration from are the members of the Muwekma Ohlone Tribe who live in the San Francisco Bay Area. Like so many of the Indigenous peoples of California, they have faced centuries of violence at the hands of Spanish, Mexican, and US colonization and genocide. What makes the Muwekma Ohlone’s experience different from that of many other tribes in California is that nearly a hundred years ago the federal government decided that they no longer existed. 

This decision was partly reached after the anthropologist Alfred Kroeber declared the Ohlone to be “culturally extinct.” Kroeber held the powerful position of being a professor at UC Berkeley, founder of its Department of Anthropology, and director of its Museum of Anthropology. In these roles, he became the go-to expert on the Indigenous people of California. Perhaps his most famous work was a study of the “last wild Indian” in the US, the man known to history as Ishi. But in contrast to his work at least attempting to preserve the memories, culture, and language of Ishi, Kroeber’s declaration that the Muwekma Ohlone were “culturally extinct” played a direct role in the destruction of the Muwekma Ohlone people, at least as a federally-recognized tribe. In 1928 the federal Office of Indian Affairs decided simply to drop the tribe’s federal recognition.

Reports of the Muwekma Ohlone people’s cultural extinction were greatly exaggerated. Despite Kroeber’s pronouncement and the federal government’s decision, these people did not in fact just disappear. They kept on living, and their elders kept their cultural practices and ancestral knowledge alive. And in recent decades the Muwekma Ohlone have grown more visible, holding ceremonies, fighting to have their ancestors’ burial sites and shellmounds protected, and even holding classes to rebuild fluency in their native languages, among them Chochenyo and Rumsen.

Yet today, the Bureau of Indian Affairs continues its almost-century-long insistence that the Muwekma Ohlone don’t exist. Tribal people have spent decades fighting for recognition both in federal courtrooms and through the Bureau of Indian Affairs’ byzantine, lugubrious processes. Yet so far they have almost nothing to show for it. At the federal level, nothing has changed.

But this is where the work of these Ohlone activists intersects with the work that activists working to prevent gun violence must do. Rather than just tell people to “vote!” and hoping for good turnout at political marches, the Muwekma Ohlone have been building their political and moral power in creative ways. 

To me, the most exciting way they are building power is through the creation of a physical space: Cafe Ohlone. This endeavor is a restaurant, educational art project, and community space for Ohlone people, all rolled into one. Started by Vincent Medina of the East Bay Ohlone and Louis Trevino of the Rumsen Ohlone, Cafe Ohlone has two goals: “to provide a physical space for our Ohlone people to be represented in the culinary world with a curated space that represents our living culture; and to educate the public, over Ohlone cuisine, in a dignified, honest manner about the original and continuous inhabitants of this land.” It started in 2018 in the back of University Press Books but closed its physical space during the pandemic to focus on meal boxes that came paired with ancestral songs. 

This June, Cafe Ohlone is reopening a physical restaurant in a most unlikely place: on the grounds of the Hearst Museum at UC Berkeley. The Hearst Museum is the same Museum of Anthropology that Alfred Kroeber—declarer of the Muwekma Ohlone as “culturally extinct”—directed for decades. Furthermore, the museum’s founding benefactor and namesake, Phoebe Hearst, built her enormous Amador Valley mansion, Hacienda del Pozo de Verona, in 1894, contributing to the displacement of a nearby Ohlone village. And to this day the museum holds many objects that the Muwekma Ohlone would like to see returned.

All of which is to say, opening Cafe Ohlone in the Hearst Museum is an act of real political bravery and creativity. Sure, it’s not the same as getting the Federal Government to recognize the Muwekma Ohlone as a tribe. Of course. But in the meantime, as activists work and wait for justice to prevail, it feels so important that we not just wait idly but instead have a space to gather and break black oak acorn bread together and learn and dream. (Learn more about this story from the Cafe Ohlone menu, in this Forum interview with co-founder Vincent Medina, or in this great KQED article.)

Cafe Ohlone is a utopian space. Around its long, communal redwood table, Ohlone culture and cuisine need no justification. But Cafe Ohlone also serves to build political will, to bring more justice into the Bay Area, and to provide positive proof of the Muwekma Ohlone’s continued existence, even in the heart of the institution that played such a key role in denying it.

To create a National Gun Violence Memorial will require similar imagination and resolve. A good starting point would be for an institution, perhaps one that already exists, to take it on as a project. Money should be raised, a good site located.

A design competition—as for the Vietnam War Memorial—would help raise awareness and public interest in such a project. Perhaps the finalists could be made public, and there could be a mechanism for all interested people to contribute to the eventual choice. A groundswell of interest would help justify the project itself, and assure its success.

Here are some design considerations:

  • The memorial must be accessible and must accommodate many different types of visitors, from the bereaved to the curious and from historians to activists. This will require spaces and opportunities for privacy and publicity.
  • While the very existence of such a memorial makes it political, the space itself should be welcoming to anyone who has been touched by gun violence and should feel both safe and universally moving.
  • The memorial, tracking an ongoing tragedy, should itself be a data visualization. By giving each name equal size and weight, we could viscerally feel the changes—and celebrate the gun control movement’s (thus far hypothetical) victories.
  • The actual weapons that killed people could be in some way incorporated, perhaps beaten into plowshares, perhaps available to be touched, to have flowers placed in their barrels.

These are just preliminary ideas, though. A thorough design process would uncover so many more possibilities, and figure out what is most essential.

Could such a space alchemize the movement for gun control? Could it actually play a role in bringing an end to this age of unchecked murder and suicide by firearm? Even if it didn’t, I think that building a National Gun Violence Memorial would still be a worthy cause. It’s injurious to the spirit not to have a space to hold our grief. And with the decline of the funeral as an institution and of burial as a practice, we need to make sure that we don’t lose our memory in the relentless march of time.

When I was nineteen, I went on a spring break road trip around the Northeast with my girlfriend at the time. We swung down through western Pennsylvania to visit my Grandpa Bob, and he took us for a walk out in Linn Run State Park, a beautiful forest where he was a volunteer ranger. After lunch, we left Bob and drove east towards Philadelphia.

This was just before the ubiquitous smartphone took over, and we were juggling maps, halfway lost half the time. Honestly, we sort of liked it like that.

We had been charging down the road for maybe twenty minutes when we saw a clearly handmade sign: “Flight 93 Memorial –>”

I hit the brakes and made the turn. We drove down a winding, freshly-paved road, passing more signs for the memorial, each adding to the sense that this wasn’t a very official memorial at all. And then we were at the edge of the field where on the morning of September 11, 2001 a passenger jet carrying 44 souls had crashed, killing everyone. Flight 93. It had been bound from Newark to San Francisco.

We parked in a stubbly gravel parking lot. A chain link fence prevented us from actually going to the crash site, which was still visible: a long scar in the ground interrupting the flat, grassy field. But other than the chain link fence, there was no official memorial.

In lieu of official commemoration, there was the most remarkable assemblage of homemade shrines, little tributes, and other offerings. Flags, flowers, hats, rosaries, little wooden angels, patches, crosses, stuffed animals, t-shirts, a fireman’s jacket. A mural, painted on a ratty piece of oriented strand board, showing a waving American flag partly obscured by a soaring bald eagle. Some objects were signed by groups of bikers who had held runs to the site. A few of the weathered objects carried dates reaching back to 2002 and 2003. Others, like fresh flowers, had evidently been left earlier that day.

It was anarchic, handmade, a pure piece of grief, an outpouring of the innate human desire to memorialize. It was powerful.

My eyes filled with tears as I remembered that day when I was ten and woke up to the sound of my radio alarm clock reporting live that a second plane had just struck the second Twin Tower. Laying there in bed, I had immediately picked up that something important was happening. The only thing I could think to do was to write down as much as I could on a piece of paper. Details, numbers, timing. My dad had just been to New York that summer and had brought back a photograph he bought on Canal Street: the World Trade Center looming large above the downtown skyline, in black and white. I looked at that photograph on my wall, struggling to imagine the buildings gone. 

I remember getting dressed and bringing my scratch paper with casualty estimates and the times of each impact downstairs with me. My mom was in the kitchen, on the phone. She was trying and failing to reach my grandfather. Reports were saying another plane had crashed in western Pennsylvania, right near where he lived. Later she took me to school, where first period the band teacher led us to the library, rolled out the little TV, and turned on the news. Planes slammed into buildings, over and over, and over, until the principal walked in and walked straight up to the TV and turned it off.

Now, a decade later, I stook in that field in Pennsylvania, looking at the actual place where one of the four planes had crashed. 

It was good to be there. To see the impromptu memorials people had left. To be around the dozen or so other people who were having their own emotional experiences. It healed something. A decade after that awful day, my experience of 9/11 felt a bit more complete.

When there’s a shooting death on a street corner in Chicago or at a school in Texas, impromptu memorials often spring up. The flowers and stuffed animals and white candles and hand-written notes. These day-after memorials are not so different from that original Flight 93 memorial chain link fence. There’s something horribly sweet about the instinctive way humans feel moved to make a little memorial. These thrown-together shrines can be powerful and moving. 

But when the flowers wilt and the cards blow away in the wind, what is left?

By building a memorial, we together choose to remember something. I visited the Flight 93 site in 2010. An official monument run by the National Parks broke ground in 2011 and opened in 2015, with a final “Tower of Voices” opening in 2018. The Flight 93 National Memorial will stand for a long time to come. So will the National Lynching Memorial in Montgomery, Yad Veshem in Jerusalem, the Vietnam Memorial in Washington, and, I hope, Cafe Ohlone in Berkeley.

We deserve something equally solid, enduring, creative, and visible to help us remember those who have died from gun violence.

(Thank you to Hunter Gagnon and Lisa Locascio for reading this essay, offering edits, and helping me think it through.)

The Old Weird Internet (Never Died)

Can a retro-looking blog platform help us express our feelings?

As I start writing this essay, I’m sitting on the roof of the cabin I built in my twenties, watching the sun go down. Pastels—rose, peach, aqua, baby blue—blend in the sky, only visible through a scrim of threadlike gray clouds that twist and turn, forming shapes that could be letters in a fantastical alphabet, perhaps Martian or High Elvish. A songbird scree-scree-screes. The wind whispers through the trees and up the sleeves of my sweater. A snag stands silhouette against the gray-blue gloaming.

Watching the sunset, in late winter, out in the country—it provokes high, lyrical nature writing. I reach for precise language, the senses all on high alert, recording subtle details with reverent care. But why?

If you’d prefer an audio version, you can listen to this essay on the Lightplay podcast:

In the middle of the 18th century, a group of European writers and painters who would come to be known as the “Romantics” began making art and poetry about scenes of nature and, especially, nature that was lonely (“I wandered lonely as a cloud…”) or violent, or remote. It was a successful movement, and over the next two centuries most everyone else in “the West” gradually learned to enjoy the feelings of awe and even the sublime that encounters with nature can evoke. From this change in taste came such disparate phenomena as the American National Park system, the sport of mountain climbing, the faux wilderness of New York’s Central Park, the landscape photography of Ansel Adams, and, eventually, the writing of nature poets like Robert Haas, Gary Snyder, and Mary Oliver. A small-ish group of 19th-century poets set in motion an aesthetic shift that radically changed the human relationship to nature—so much so that today this way of relating to nature seems, for lack of a better word, natural.

For a writer, what’s more interesting than the history is the phenomenon itself: the production of highly detailed, lyrical sentences in response to natural beauty. A connection deep inside me responds to these scenes by producing this kind of writing. And this linkage is shared widely across our culture. When I taught poetry in public schools, taking over an English or History or Biology class for a week, I loved taking my students outside with their poetry notebooks. They did actually write better and more precise lines when the rock they were describing was right there, by their foot. The plein-aire poem—it’s a real thing!

Compared to how hard writing often is, this feels like a cheat code: take journal outside, write during a dramatic sunset, and, ta-da, soon you’ve written 200 words in a heightened, romantic style. If that’s what you wanted, well, mission accomplished.

It begs the question: are there other situations or tools that we can use to make it easier to write?

A photo of a sunset, the rays forming bars as they pass through a cloud.

Writers like to exploit productive contexts: a favorite coffee shop, a library reading room, a parked car, a wifi-less cabin in the woods, a room of one’s own. Having started this essay a few weeks ago, I’m actually writing this section on an airplane—a famously conducive writing space.

But what I’m after are spaces that elicit a different style or mood or medium of writing. And where I find myself most likely to find these spaces today is online.

A platform like Twitter, with its strict character limit, is optimized to produce sharp little insights and aphoristic, breezy jokes. Meanwhile a homespun platform like an email newsletter encourages you to be a bit pedantic, a bit performatively friendly, a bit conversational (hi there!). And then there are the online venues you don’t primarily associate with writing: Yelp reviews, Discord chats, Reddit threads, YouTube comments, and many more. These, too, bring out different personas: the connoisseur, the enthusiast, the nerd, the checkpointer.

At its best the internet helps us act more freely. We learn to play its platforms like different instruments. On Instagram we take perfect vacations; on Goodreads we have impeccably eccentric taste in novels; on Nextdoor we’re angry about chickens; on LinkedIn we’re respected professionals; in the New York Times comments we’re just asking questions; on our Kickstarter we’re brilliant but approachable inventors.

These platforms are designed to get us playing with our personas. They have us dress up avatars and fill out bios and join groups and upload profile pics. We’re rewarded for proclaiming our allegiances and amplifying our heroes and curating our playlists and giving our photos exactly the right vibe.

Problems crop up when the algorithms take over and try to turn us into passive consumers of a narrowing circle of optimized slop. (See my essay “Music and Power.”) But I still think that the internet offers some great places to write in specific moods.

Many of the best places to explore different writing moods online today exist as part of a new crop of offbeat, often handmade platforms that evoke the old, weird internet of my childhood—a space that seemed more raw, more playful, and less blue-tinted than today’s very corporate Internet. This wave of nostalgic new platforms includes some direct homages like SpaceHey (a near clone of MySpace) and Neocities (a reboot of Geocities in look and concept) as well as more original services like (a sticker-heavy drag-and-drop personal website builder) and figjam (a…collaborative pinboard???). These services tend to break some new ground while at the same time gesturing back to the gif-art-heavy, flashing text, over-colorful aesthetic of Nineties internet.

For my money the grandest of this crop of new platforms is the scrap-blogging platform—a nearly-abandoned service that is gloriously designed, pleasantly user-friendly, and surprisingly effective as a tool to elicit specific kinds of writing.

A screenshot of the landing page of Multiverse, showing the headings and a preview of a sticker-heavy post.

What is A first glance reveals a free website that lets you create and publish little blog posts that, depending on what box you check, go out on your personal page and get aggregated into a few different site-wide verticals: “Highlights,” “The world I see,” “Mic check,” and “Don’t look at this.” If you dig a little deeper you might also notice that is different from many other sites because its posts all have a fixed width. This means the text won’t re-flow depending on the size of a browser window. Instead, everyone sees the same layout of text and image created by the author, as if it was pasted up in a scrapbook. But what makes multiverse most distinctive is its visual design: pastels and neons, over-saturated gradients, layers of colorful drop shadow, chunky dashed borders, and tons of options for funkying up your text. Simply put, has a vibe.

And that vibe also comes from the community of other people writing on the platform. There’s a casual, confessional tone that the great majority of posts employ. Some excerpts:

  • “I had a bit of anxiety in the early hours of today. I did go back to sleep, but my brain is having issues waking up. Ugh,” writes a user named JR the Pin-Witch.
  • “Growing up, I didn’t think I was particularly close to my mom, or my dad,” writes glitchyowl, one of the site’s founders. “We were a pretty normal family. We’d have dinner at home on most nights. I spent a lot of my after school time at the playground and the basketball court. We had a family computer. My brother and I each had a Nintendo SP, etc.” The writing is accompanied by a photo of the author as maybe a six-year-old, next to her mom, onto whose face a pair of pixelated, chunky sunglasses have been digitally added.
  • “i cleaned my depression room today!,” writes evergreen, who then clarifies, “well, not just today. in reality it took me about a month? i had this terrible habit of starting to clean it and then getting distracted halfway through.” This post is accompanied by before and after shots as well as in-process shots.

Nearly every post is so private that it could begin “dear diary.” The lack of “follow” and “comment” functions means people can’t really interact with each other, which probably contributes to the confessional tone. But at the same time there’s awareness of a small community of fellow multiversers who might end up reading a specific post. Nobody sounds entirely isolated, howling into the void.

For myself, the style of writing that predominates on isn’t my usual tone. You may have noticed that I have trouble writing short. I’m also often more emotionally guarded. It’s dispositional. I’m a reserved person.

Which is why feels like another writing cheat code for me. On this website, it’s miraculously easy to let my hair down and track my feelings out loud. When I got back from my honeymoon and felt kind of sad, I made a multiverse post trying to capture my ennui. When my grandpa died, was the first place I wrote about it. When on a dark December night I found myself just feeling melancholy for no obvious reason, I logged in and wrote about my cat.

Why does have this effect on me? I think the site’s alchemy comes from a few factors: the throwback aesthetic, the fact of blending words with images, and its satisfying drag-and-drop interface. You spend so much time adjusting and resizing boxes and images so that they look just right, it ends up distracting the internal critic from obsessing over the words.

Also: the site is ridiculously easy to use. It feels more than anything like making a collage. You’re just pushing stuff around, trying to get it to look the way you want it to look. Like making a collage, it’s fun, and the final product is satisfying.

All this comes together to make a powerful cheat code for writing emotionally intimate little pieces. And then the site’s relative anonymity makes it easy to publish the pieces, too. Because there’s no “follow” button and no “news feed,” the only way you can stay current on someone’s posts is either to randomly encounter them in the verticals or to make a point of visiting their page. (My page is These barriers to interaction and wide distribution are a feature to me. It gives my posts a level of privacy, even if they are public for anyone who seeks them out.

Last October, I turned one of my best friends onto When they made their own cool, trippy post I felt honored to be one of just a few people who knew it was out there and who got to read it. The very difficulty of finding their post made it feel special and personal.

How was it that this website existed, yet it had, at best, 50 active users? It was nearly abandoned, and at the same time it was really well-made and cool—and perfect for my purposes. So I found myself wondering, who made it?

The “About” page revealed that is the project of two users: Kicks Condor and glitchyowl. These were obviously internet handles, so I googled to try to find the underlying people attached to them.

Kicks Condor I started on first. This one seemed easy, because they have a blog, But this blog, while brilliantly/bizarrely designed, lacks any clarifying personal information. So I did some googling and found what is apparently the only interview they’ve ever given. And for me at least, this interview raises more questions than it clarifies. “We’re Cody and Jody,” they write, “the brother and sister creative team behind Kicks Condor. We work out of Facebook Labs, prototyping future personalities that can capture the public’s imagination, much in the same way that Disney characters and comic book characters provided archetypes in the past.”

Come again? Can this possibly be true? Does the (actively evil) company now known as Meta really hire siblings with oh-so-similar names to… build off-beat, non-evil platforms? Alas, further sleuthing merely turned up some evasive joking on a Hacker News thread, and a cursed archive of their site from last February that further jokes that their persona has been licensed to Grape Nuts, or shut down by the FBI, or … ??? … ???

So I moved on to the other creator of glitchyowl, who isn’t secretive about the fact that her given name is Weiwei Hsu. Her personal website——has recently come back online and offers some clues. She is evidently a talented, young, tech-savvy person who graduated a few years ago from San Francisco’s California College of the Arts and has since founded the video hangout game

So… Kicks Condor is a persona created by maybe-fictional twins, while glitchyowl is an idealistic young programmer possibly living in Shanghai. Finding this info didn’t really put my curiosity to rest.

In my research about glitchyowl, she made reference to the existence of a Discord server for So I made a Discord account and joined the bulletin board “the outer web,” which services multiple of glitchyowl and Kicks Condor’s projects. I clicked on the thread about multiverse (#🌌-milky-way) and promptly found that a user named Benbear had left a comment linking to my very own most recent post. They wrote, “socks are sooo cuuute! it helps get through a tough day~ love the authentic words of her feelings !”

Now I felt my research was really paying off. Not only did I like having my work recognized, but I appreciated being misgendered—it heightened my feeling that the website was freeing me to occupy a new identity.

I wrote back enthusiastically, but the warm feelings quickly left. Benbear smothered me in further praise, comment after comment filling the thread. It’s nice to be complimented, but somehow this didn’t feel clean. They quoted the part of my original Multiverse post where I wrote, “It’s why the best cure to crankiness, for me, is when someone is unconditionally nice to me.” They commented “wow this one is sooooo warm….” After more comments they wrote, “wow,what a brave story” and included a gif of Tony Soprano punching the air. I came away feeling, in a way, love bombed and not entirely welcome.

In some ways, this was the intrusion of the corporate internet into this sweet little website. Discord is a chat platform commonly used by gamers, but it’s also a company with a $3.5 billion valuation. And here it was, stepping in to supply a comments section for a website that very intentionally lacked one. And it changed the way I felt about Almost as soon as I began participating on Discord, I began feeling all the bad social media feelings: anxiety to be liked, desire to please, anger at being misunderstood, etc. The freedom to be confessional and vulnerable is, for me, something easily damaged.

I don’t blame it all on Discord. There’s also a feral quality inherent to, and this episode was of a piece with that. This feral quality comes from the website being so small and feeling so intimate, so private and safe, and at the same time anonymous and weird. This very quality that makes better than the big, corporate platforms can also make it worse. For instance, it generally seems to be unmoderated, and in recent months the vertical called “The world I see” has featured several posts from a teenager disclosing their eating disorder and spreading eating disorder propaganda. When there’s no moderation and no feedback mechanism, what can a community do to stop something like that? There’s no way to mute it, let alone try to get the person help. If such a thing is a desirable outcome and not a wild overreach, which is a debatable point. The old internet offered troubled people privacy and the solitude of their own decisions, too.

This problem of moderation has vexed would-be platform developers for decades now. It seems especially acute for a project like this, where the creators are not making money from it—and because of that aren’t able to spend a ton of time moderating it. I don’t see what glitchyowl and Kicks Condor could do if was taken over by bad posts and bad actors. I guess they might just have to shut the whole thing down.

I hope they don’t. On the whole, feels to me like a force for good—a vestige of the Old, Weird Internet, updated for HTML5 and cloud hosting. It deserves to live, to have its problems addressed, and to find more users.

I think what I like best about is that it gives me some of the same delight that the internet of my childhood did. It empowers me to write in new ways and experiment with new personas in a very 2003 internet kind of way.

The internet was so weird and fun in those days. There was a browser extension called StumbleUpon that added a button to the corner of your browser, and if you clicked it, it would redirect you to a random website curated off the internet. You could browse the site it sent you to for five seconds or five hours. When you were ready for the next thing, you just clicked the StumbleUpon button again. It provided hours and hours and hours of fun.

An internet like that still exists. Recently my friend sent me a link they found through exploring sites mentioned in posts. The webpage it leads to looks like an isometric map from an old video game, but hidden within the map are hundreds and hundreds of hyperlinks that, should you click on them, take you pretty randomly to all sorts of strange websites. I lost an hour this evening clicking, exploring, and encountering the new.

It feels good to explore new, strange corners of the world wide web. The internet is, of all technologies we humans have ever created, the one most full of spaces that we use to feel certain ways. This creates all sorts of problems, for sure. But for writers, at least, it also makes the internet a profoundly powerful tool. Sites like offer a writing space that elicits certain feelings that really do deserve expression. By using sites like these as writing tools, we can stop being used by the platforms.

So what are you waiting for? Go make your multiverse account and write your first post—and don’t forget to click the box for “Mic check.” And once you make your post, please shoot me an email with the link. That’s probably the only way I’ll get to read it. When I click that link and start reading this thing you’ve made in this quiet corner of the internet, I’ll feel really special.

(Thank you to Hunter Gagnon, Abraham Cohen and Lisa Locascio Nighthawk for sharing feedback, edits, and ideas that influenced this essay’s writing.)

Jasper as Photographer

Photographic media—silver halides, digital sensors, optical nerves—are the most direct way to capture light.

That’s why I use them whenever I get the chance. From when I built a camera obscura in my dorm room to when my first camera was stolen to when I got my first smartphone, cameras are a big part of how I interact with the world. Today I mostly post photos here on this website. Peruse my albums from an early summer in Maine, an apocalyptic western road trip, and a trip to the desert.

Below you can find my latest photographic postings on this site.

Jasper as Writer

Where would I recommend you start? If you’re a fiction-lover like me, maybe you would enjoy a story about an occult ritual with an old cell phone. If you prefer poems, why not try this piece of doggerel, about a cat who ran away. As far as essays, read this hybrid recipe about childhood and tacos or a travelogue about two Tibetan printmaking monasteries.

Further Highlights

Selected fiction includes a story about sexual frustration and bringing in the weed harvest, a collaboration with a painter that led to a multimedia tale of electricity and loss, and a story about a lonely guy finding connection despite himself.

Poetry selections include a totalitarian poem about a coastal city, a meditation on a seep of water coming out of a bluff, and my ode to April 2014.

Selected essays include a discussion of music and power, an appreciation of stovetop espresso and the classic moka pot, a comparison of astral projection and satellite photography, and a close look at the interplay of internet platforms and the work of the writer.

Please find the latest writing on this website below. Find my full publication list here.

Lightplay 017 – Taco Story

What drives us to cook the same foods over and over and over?

When I was a kid, tacos were the consolation prize at the end of hour-and-a-half-long custody exchanges where Mom and Dad each drove to a carefully-determined midpoint and handed me and my brother off for the weekend. These handoffs were always a bit melancholy, especially on winter Fridays when the sun was already well down by the time we made it to dad’s house out in the middle of nowhere. We’d walk down the walkway to his house, a million stars spread over our heads, and feel very distant from our lives and friends back in the big, light-polluted town up the coast.

But once we hauled our backpacks inside, dad would build a fire, turn on the digital projector, put on a John Wayne flick (my brother was obsessed), and head to the kitchen to fix dinner. Soon a haze of burning butter and caramelizing corn tortillas would waft in, crossing the cone of cinematic light and making its way up my nostrils, into my brain. A few minutes of salivation. Then, finally, the tacos themselves. They arrived crispy and hot on the outside, warm with cheese and salsa and green onions on the inside. We’d been apart for two weeks, but as we sat together on the couch eating tacos and watching The Searchers, we felt reconstituted, at least for the night, back into a little family.

If you’d prefer an audio version, you can listen to this essay on the Lightplay podcast:


Maybe it’s because today I myself want to be a parent that I tear up a little, remembering those times. The memories, filtered by two decades, are potent, like a tawny port. I feel sympathy for all three of us, each hurting in our own ways. And the distance especially helps me see how my dad put as much as he could into making those forty-eight hours he had with us count.

Of course, like probably any single dad of his generation, he could also be ridiculously bad at keeping the three of us fed. He’ll never live down the time he admonished us, “Don’t think of me as your father. Think of me as the guy who can get you food. Sometimes. If you ask.”

In a way, it was this very incompetence—or, more generously, inconsistency—that helped me develop as a cook in my own right. My dad had this wonderful, generous, teacherly quality where he would invite me to join him, to help out, and together to treat cooking as a fun experiment. Sure, there was an element of Tom Sawyer to this, but maybe all teaching is just tricking someone else into doing it themself. At any rate, it worked. With his guidance, I mastered his style of making tacos.

Then we kept on going. Every other weekend, tacos. More tacos. Summer tacos. Winter tacos. Good tacos. Bad tacos. Tacos. Tacos. Tacos.

Over about a decade we developed and grew our taco technique as collaborators. There were many breakthroughs, like when my sister introduced us to Herdez salsa and Tapatío hot sauce, or my dad’s insight one night that he could melt the cheese right against the pan, caramelizing one side. There were also more gradual refinements, like my own technique of putting pungent aromatics (garlic, onions, jalapeños) directly in that grilling cheese. Together, we decoded how to pan-sear poblano peppers to perfection without choking on capsicum smoke. And then there was the legendary, years-long development of a tofu preparation technique my dad nicknamed “to-fries.”

We ended up with a dish that was complex and satisfying and fun—and all our own. Until my dad went vegan in 2018, we made these with each other every chance we got. And I still make them for myself and my partner a few times a month. They’re not really like any taco I’ve been served in a restaurant, Mexican or otherwise. They’re probably well-described as “Cali-Mex,” though in California we just call Mexican food, well, “Mexican.” Ultimately, they’re the product of one particular family.

Also: they’re devilishly tasty and, once you get the hang of the different steps, pretty quick to make. Try ‘em out. And don’t be afraid to put your own spin on them. I know there’s still more to discover.

Recipe: Henderson-Style Tacos

Makes between three and twenty tacos. Estimate the amounts on everything until you get a feel for what works for you.



Soft corn tortillas (king size)
Soft melting/grilling cheese (usually sharp cheddar) Green onions
Spicy, tangy hot sauce (classically Tapatío)
Lemon or lime
Butter or cooking oil

Main Filling (use one or two or all three)

Firm tofu for “tofries”
Black beans (cooked or canned)
Poblano peppers

Optional (depending on mood and season; don’t use all at once)

Tomatoes (especially little ones)
Red onion
Salsa (classically Herdez brand in the little cans)
Sour cream
Whole pickled jalapeños in escabeche (preferably La Morena brand)


1. Turn the heat on under a cast iron.

This, my dad taught me, is the first step of all cooking. Only once the flame is lit do you take the ingredients out of the fridge and begin prepping them.


2. Get your main filling(s) cooking up:

If using beans, heat them in a pot.

If using poblanos, sear them in the cast iron pan over high heat: coat the hot pan with a bit of high heat oil, place the whole poblanos in the pan, then press them with a weight (I use another cast iron topped by a full water kettle) till they hiss and spit; rotate the peppers every few minutes so that all the sides get charred.

If making “tofries,” cut the firm tofu into extruded squares that are roughly the same dimensions as thick homefries or, say, a long thick Lego brick, then fry in a hot pan coated with high-heat oil (I prefer peanut), carefully flipping so each side becomes golden brown; once the tofries are evenly fried, I like to splash a bit of soy sauce into the hot pan, hastily stirring the tofries around so the sizzling soy sauce kisses each tofry with its salty, umami soyness.


3. Get your cold ingredients prepped.

As you have a free moment, prepare each cold ingredient so that it’s ready to slip into the prepared tacos at the perfect moment. (This can be done during or even before Step 2 and may continue up to the moment of Step 6; the key is to be in continual, purposeful motion, never idle when there’s a task to be done.)

Slice your green onions into thin-thin medallions, on the bias. If just using a few green onions, start by cutting them into thirds, then consolidate, then slice. (My dad’s trick; it halves the labor.)

Halve or quarter your cherry tomatoes and be sure to follow each tomato’s anatomy, cutting down through where the stem is attached.

Macerate the avocado by making careful slices while the flesh is still in the skin, then squeeze a lemon or lime over it and maybe a pinch of salt. When it’s time to put it in the taco, lift the slices out with a wide spoon.

Crush then mince a clove or two of garlic.

Cut thin slivers of red onion.

Pick cilantro leaves or, if lazy, just whack some off with a knife.

Stick a serving spoon in your sour cream.

Cut pickled jalapeños into thin strips.


4. Cook the tacos.

Starting with a hot cast iron pan, put a tiny dab of butter or oil in, then arrange three tortillas around the pan so that half of each tortilla is touching the pan’s bottom (the other halves will be sticking up the sides, almost out of the pan). Allow the parts of the tortillas touching the pan to cook and grow golden, then rotate each tortilla 180 degrees and wait for the second half to cook.

Now that one side of each tortilla is cooked, flip the tortillas so the cooked sides face up. (This cooked-first side will form the inside of each taco.)

Now add the cheese along the edge of each tortilla that faces the center of the pan, arranged so that half of the cheese is actually off the tortilla and directly touching the pan. (The cheese from your three tacos will melt together; we’ll fix this in a later step.)

Place your spicy/aromatic ingredients atop the cheese so that as it melts they fall in and cook slightly: green onions, garlic, red onions, pickled jalapeños. Don’t be too precise.

Next add your other warm ingredients, which might include beans, tofries, and pasilla peppers. I usually add my tomatoes at this point too.

NOTE be cautious not to overfill your tacos. Less is more here, and if you’re that hungry just make one more than you were planning to!


5. Fold your tacos up and finish cooking.

After a minute or two, your cheese will have melted and grilled to your preferred level of golden crispiness where it touched the pan, and it’s time to fold the taco up into something deserving the name. At this point, your cheese will likely have run together. You may have to use a fork and a serrated steak knife to cut the cheese apart. Urse your implements to flip the cheese up onto its taco. (It ends up kind of gluing everything in.) Then, at the same time, close the taco up and flip it over onto the final side that has yet to cook. This side should now be touching the pan.

Cook this final side till golden and crispy, too. Then remove to a plate.


6. Put the last cold ingredients in the cooked tacos.

You may have to gently crank the tacos open to slip in a slice or two of avocado, a modest dollop of sour cream, and a generous big pinch of cilantro.

Now the tacos must be eaten immediately, from the hand, with a bottle of hot sauce nearby and perhaps also a cold cerveza. Meanwhile, the taco maker will already be deep in the cooking of the next batch, on and on, till everyone has had their fill.


The way I’ve come to think of these tacos is as big fried dumplings. A neutral dough, wrapping a flavorful filling, fried up and eaten from the hand.

There’s a deeper connection, too. The joy of a dumpling, for me, is the way I can taste the thoughtfulness of the maker, who has put all these ingredients in just the right place and proportion, and has cooked it just so, to guarantee a blissfully perfect bite. That’s especially true of fried dumplings like potstickers or samosas, which require a watchful, tender eye to prevent burning and ensure golden perfection. At their best, that’s what these tacos are, too: condensed care and, yes, love, crunchily giving way to the teeth.

The best dumplings I ever had were in a Christmas light-festooned back alley of Luang Prabang, Lao. (This was around the time I wrote my incomplete “Lost Travelogue.”) I ate in that alley several times that week, in no small part because for about $4 I could gorge on a heaping plate assembled from a long, psychotically laden an all-you-can-eat buffet. The food wasn’t, you know, good, but I was hungry and it did the thing. Even as I ate these massive, mediocre meals, I kept passing by this cart where a Yunnanese man was selling veggie and meat potstickers by the bag: six pieces for the equivalent of $2.50. (From a caloric perspective, a rip-off compared to the buffet.)

I had been sneaking glances at the dumpling cart for the whole week I stayed there, but it was only on my last night I decided to splurge.

The man making them looked to be maybe thirty. He was handsome, with big, smart eyes and strong, pianist’s hands. With his Chinese looks he seemed out of place among all the Lao vendors who staffed the other stalls in the alley.

We talked first in his bad English and then in my bad Chinese. He was a university graduate who had fallen in love with a woman from Luang Prabang and moved there to marry her. But in his new city there were no jobs. So he started his cart. People liked to have a genuine potsticker. And cooking them reminded him of home, which he missed.

I watched him cook. He wielded a pair of long chopsticks, regularly lifting and rotating and testing the dumplings. His focus didn’t waver, even as we talked. He was a true artisan, frying his little dough pouches just so.

When the dumplings were finished—he cooked up batches of thirty at a time—he put my six in a thin little cellophane bag, ladeled some hot pepper oil in, shook it with great precision and restraint, stuck a dainty skewer in the top dumpling, and handed the bag to me.

I started eating from the bag as I walked through the electric city back to my hotel, my mind worrying about packing and emails and what time to leave—the ferry would embark from the outskirts of town at 6:30 the next morning. But then I noticed the dumpling in my mouth, that first bite, and all that chatter in my mind came to a halt. These dumplings demanded my full attention. They were so perfect: the balance of hot and rich and salty and tart flavors, the crispy texture encasing warm soft filling, the wheat of the wrapper, the aroma of star anise and fried dough. Eating them engaged all of the senses, even hearing, through the sound of crisp dough shattering against my teeth. Three dumplings in, I just stopped and squatted on the side of the road and gave myself over to them.

I thought I could taste more than just food—I could taste their cook’s homesickness, his love of his parents, his thwarted ambitions, the way he poured himself into his food cart. It was overwhelming.

When I finished, I walked a few minutes further, and then realized I’d regret not getting another bag. I headed back to the alley.

It was awkward trying to explain why I came back, and I think I embarrassed the vendor, too. It was dark now. He ignored me as he fried up a new batch. My second bag was good, too, and I wolfed it down. But it couldn’t match the ecstasy of the first.

I walked again back in the direction of my hotel. Before going in I smoked a cigarette in the cold night as a rain began to fall. I had to pack my bags. I did need some sort of plan to make it out to the ferry in the morning. But through it all, the taste of those dumplings was with me, that heightened experience. I’m still thinking about it six years later.

When I left the next morning, leaving just enough time to catch the ferry, it was the start of retracing my steps—first back to Thailand, then back to China, then across the ocean back to California. That dumpling cart was about the furthest I ever got from home.

A week or two later, I was back in Chiang Mai, Thailand, and I decided to make a special dinner of tacos for the friends I’d made there. I searched the city for tortillas (only found flour ones), beans (dried black beans!), and cheese (surprisingly decent cheddar available…for a price). I went to the fruit market and bought tomatoes and green onions and chili peppers and two different types of avocado, one super tall and skinny, the other simply enormous.

At Li and William and Amelie’s shared house, I took over the kitchen. I made the beans from scratch. I got everything lined up on a cutting board. And then we ate the hell out of some tacos, even as the flour tortillas cracked and came apart in our hands, even as the avocado was strange and leathery, even as there was nothing to use for hot sauce.

I missed home so much, certain moments on that trip, and I tried to be like the dumpling man and pour all that feeling into a bunch of crispy little dumplings for my friends.

My maternal grandfather, Bob Ruffing, died at the beginning of February. He was 93 and led a good long life. It was a natural death, at home. It was also, as death can be, though for whatever reason I didn’t expect it, sad. I missed him. I felt his absence.

Bob was the last of my biological grandparents left on earth, and if there’s something to take solace in it’s the knowledge that I’ll keep thinking about him for the rest of my life—just like I do everyone else I’ve lost.

In a funny way, my love of tacos is one of the things that reminds me of my other bio-grandpa. My dad’s dad’s name was Don Henderson, and he died in 1998. I only really got to know him for a few months, right towards the end. I don’t know if we all ate tacos even once during that visit. My dad and my taco thing really got going a few years later. But last year I was talking with my dad, reflecting on how great our joint taco technique had become, and he said that he wished that his dad had lived long enough to try them.

“Did Grandpa Don like tacos?”

Dad explained that Don was a great appreciator of the taco himself and had indeed been my teacher’s teacher. Grandpa Don’s tacos, he told me, had ground beef in them, and iceberg lettuce, and tomato. They were a white man’s taco of the 1960s. But he was proud of them. He loved tacos. And that love, you could argue, was a beginning place for my dad and my love of tacos. A special, unexpected etymology.

Writing this essay, however, I realized that in fact I did know that tacos were on Grandpa Don’s radar. And that’s because they feature in a scene from the 1969 drive-in classic The Babysitter—the highest-grossing film my grandfather ever directed, and one today usually described, when it’s described, as a standout in the genre of “trashploitation.” And let me tell you, The Babysitter is sleazy as hell. The tagline is, “She Came to Sit With Baby… and Ended Up With Daddy.” There a male-gazy lesbo sauna scene and much inappropriate and overwritten innuendo. It’s also full of deep family lore—too much for any of us to stand watching it. It can be read as a map to old scars.

But that doesn’t concern us here. Instead, just one scene in particular. This is when the sexually frustrated deputy district attorney protagonist establishes the first glimmer of sexual connection with Candy, the hippie babysitter/seductress. He’s decided to drive her home after an evening of babysitting, and at her request they’ve stopped to get… tacos! They sit in the car eating their tacos, and she talks him through his very first experience eating this messy, ethnic-coded cuisine. “So this is what the kids eat,” he says. She tells him to pick his taco up and eat it out of his hand. The camera is outside the car for this, so we’re spared a close-up of the assistant DA messily crunching. But then we do get close, and we see him gaze at Candy longingly, and she says to him, voice sultry, “The light is green. That means you can go.” They drive off.

Grandpa got it! Tacos are sexy. They’re messy. They’re tempting. Certainly they are difficult to eat while driving. Why not put a few in your sexploitation flick?

I’m thankful that Don’s love for tacos was passed down through the generations and reached me, his vegetarian grandson. If I have a kid of my own, I can guarantee that the taco gene will last another generation.

Most of all, though, I’m glad that tacos gave me and my dad a place to bond. We had so many good times bent over his gas range, frying up tofries and trying out something new, discussing what worked and what didn’t and why, and gradually refining our shared technique. Those are sweet memories.

Now when I visit my dad, we work on vegan tacos. I will say, it’s hard without the crispy cheese or the sour cream, the fats that balance and unite the other flavors. We’re clearly due for a breakthrough. Even so, we eat well every time, and we savor each other’s company.

It’s not in search of ultimate mastery that we cook the same foods over and over again. At least not for me. I cook the same foods over and over again because each time I do, I feel a little more whole, a little more connected to yesterday, to yesteryear, to my family and friends and past adventures and, yes, future ones too. When I make tacos, I feel at home.

This essay was originally published on February 26, 2022 as part of Lightplay, a publication available both as a newsletter and as a podcast. Thanks to Hunter Gagnon for editorial help.

Lightplay 016 – Music and Power

From iTunes to Spotify, software shapes our relationship
with music. Is it time to wrest back control?


Let’s start with the positive. By the year 2022 computers have become so powerful, scripting libraries so extensive, cloud servers so cheap, and worldwide distribution so frictionless that there are tens of thousands of folks both with and without computer science degrees who are spending their lives making powerful, useful, and maybe best of all specific software for you and me.

If you haven’t thought to notice the world of boutique software, I bet you use it nonetheless. So many apps on our phones were made by teams as small as a single person. And I, personally, use a lot of this boutique software every day: from the word processor I’m writing this on (iA Writer, on my phone) to my notetaking database (Roam) to my walk tracker (Gaia GPS) to my AI speech transcriber ( to the static website builder I’m teaching myself to use (Hugo). All made by small teams, all indispensable for my specific needs. Most of all, I love how each of these programs is designed for a use that more or less precisely aligns with my own needs.

Alas, some software needs to do lots of things for many different users, and requires big teams to develop, and evolves over decades. This is how we get Word and Photoshop and Facebook. Big apps run by giant companies, often unwieldy, yet found by many users to be indispensable.

The app that, when I tally it up, I’ve probably used the most over the last five years is one of this second sort: Spotify. The world’s biggest music streaming service; the biggest thing to come out of Sweden since ABBA.

When I first purchased a subscription to this service, I found Spotify’s offer—to put every song in the world at my fingertips—to be intoxicating. I could listen to anything! Someone would recommend a song to me, and I’d be streaming it literally moments later! Truly, it was the golden age of music listening.

And yet, over the years I began to sour on Spotify. I found it—not exactly hard to use—but hard not to use the way Spotify wanted me to use it, namely through potted playlists and algorithmic discovery tools. I started to suspect that as much as I was using the software, the software was using me. And as I looked inward, I realized that I had shifted from being a music nerd into, perhaps you’d call it, a music consumer.

As soon as I realized this, I hated it.

A few months ago, I decided to quit Spotify, and I began looking for a different tool that, though it might have its own flaws, would be less infantilizing and more empowering. In the sweep of world events or even of my life this was a small change, but I want to tell you about it. I think it’s a story of how a tool can end up trying to use us for its own purposes—and, just maybe, how we can resist.

The first time I ever saw Spotify in action was in 2009, in a radio booth under a Harvard freshman dorm. I had just joined WHRB, the campus radio station, and part of the process of joining was that I had to propose an orgy. Don’t get too excited; at WHRB, orgy season was the way we handled the end of each semester, when finals messed up everyone’s schedules and meant we needed to fill air time with something else. That something else was “orgies”—4- to 150-hour-long play-throughs of all the music in some singular category. A Brahms orgy set up by the classical music department would try to play every scrap of music the German Romantic ever wrote. A Blue Note orgy set up by the Jazz Spectrum (the department I was joining) would try to play every album we could find released on that famous New Jersey record label. But DJs were also encouraged to propose their own orgies, and new members were required to do so, as part of joining. So I proposed that we play the discographies of every musician who appeared in the Jim Jarmusch film Coffee and Cigarettes: namely, Tom Waits, Iggy Pop, the White Stripes, and GZA and RZA of the Wu Tang Clan.

Most first-time orgy pitches were rejected, but mine was accepted and assigned a 12am-6am slot on four consecutive nights. I was surprised, and a little worried, too. Not only did I barely know how to run the sound boards, I had no idea how I would find the CDs we would need, and furthermore I had 23 hours to fill. So much airtime for one nervous sophomore!

Luckily, my two favorite juniors bailed me out. Hyper-competent Isaac—who ran the tech department, had the physical charisma of Sufjan Stevens, and who once I spotted at a street party prancing about on spring-loaded, four-foot stilts—had long ago torrented the entire Tom Waits discography. He offered with real enthusiasm to spend a night playing it straight through. He also had the full White Stripes and Iggy Pop discogs, which he loaded on a flash drive for me.

But what about JZA and RZA? The answer was less forthcoming. No one seemed to have their discography downloaded. I was far too cash-strapped to spend hundreds of dollars buying their music on the iTunes Store. And pirating was off the table, too: Harvard sent out monthly emails letting us know that we would be summarily expelled if we were caught running BitTorrent software on their computer networks.

I was well into the realm of panic when I was rescued by Tova, the director of the Jazz Spectrum, who studied astrophysics and also multiple times a week trekked out to esoteric venues around Boston to listen to music I’d never heard of. (I once tagged with her to an all-acoustic Jonathan Richman set, not having a clue in the world who he was.) Tova showed up at midnight the fourth night of the orgy with her laptop, plugged it into the soundboard, and opened up a program called Spotify. All the Wu Tang albums were right there, listed out. With a click, she began playing one. And for the next six hours we played the rest, exactly in the order we wanted, with no ads interfering, with no interruption, no problems at all. We completed the orgy. We’d been saved, as if by a miracle.

Of course I asked Tova if I could get in on this amazing software. But it was still two years before Spotify would launch in the US. If I recall, she explained to me how she had finagled an invite to the UK subscription, and she was running a VPN to mask her location. Getting Spotify was a bit of a task. And I ultimately didn’t jump through all the hoops. After all, I hardly had $10 a month to spare—and, more importantly, I was pretty happy with my big ol’ iTunes library.

My big ol’ iTunes library. I’d been building it since I was twelve. It grew through little drips, an imported CD here, a pirated album there, but also in big gulps, like the time George let me use some sketchy software to rip hundreds of full albums off his iPod, or when Abraham let me copy over his entire music library before I went off to college. (Naturally I let him copy mine, too.) When my first girlfriend Molly made me a mix CD full of Björk tracks, I promptly imported it, inputting the song titles and artist names by hand, off her handwritten liner notes. I grew my library however I could.

Getting new music was thrilling, back then. When I got something new and unexpected, I could hardly wait to get home and listen. With each new track, there was the possibility that I would fall in love all over again.

Part of what made iTunes great was its library navigation tool called the “column browser.” This let me filter my way through my library first by genre, then by artist, then by album.

Throughout middle school, high school, college, and into young adulthood, this was how I listened to music: I considered what genre I wanted to listen to, then decided on an artist in that genre and picked out an album. I’d select “jazz” as my genre and then scroll through the list of artist names. I might think, Hmm, I haven’t listened to Cannonball Adderley in a while. And I’d put on Somethin’ Else, an album I’d listened to dozens and dozens of times since my mom’s friend Glenn gave me a burned copy when I was 13 and just starting to play alto saxophone in the high school’s jazz band.

I loved listening to full albums. An album was like a portal into the world of a band and their sound and their sensibility. Some Friday nights Abraham would come over, and I’d put on CSNY’s So Far, and we’d lay on the rug in the dark, letting the whole thing was over us like an ablution.

Of course I also made playlists, and my friends sometimes gave me playlists, too. But the dominant way I listened to music was album by album. I really got to know dozens and dozens of my favorite albums, and I really did build something deserving of the name library. My music library was well-cataloged, and I, its librarian, knew my collection well. It was partly through listening to and building out this library that I developed my sense of taste.

Then I dropped it all for Spotify. The Swedish streaming giant’s software had been available in the US since 2011, but it took me till 2016 to try it out. When I did, I hardly looked by.

Spotify was amazing in many ways. Obviously the main way was simply in the endlessness of the music I could access. It was as if I had traded the CD folio in my car for an entire Tower Records. If I wanted to listen to a song, I just typed it into the search bar, and there it was, and I played it. That simple.

It also amazed me how the software helped me find new music that was similar to what I already liked. Spotify served up a customized-to-me playlist every single week with thirty songs its algorithms thought I would like. And, especially at the start, I really did like many of them. I found tons of new music. I would save tracks I particularly liked onto playlists with names like “July 2020” and “SPRING JAZZ.”

Spotify became my daily companion, and as the years went by I found myself listening to more and more playlists. I’d listen to my “Discover Weekly” but also to genre-based algorithmic playlists and playlists made by friends. My friend Axel made a great playlist called “YES COLLUSION” that I loved; I found a great mix of Brazilian capoeira music made by some random user; I listened on repeat to “Played by Jamie xx.”

By the start of the 2020s, my favorite recent music was almost all just tracks, not albums. But that was okay. Often when I went searching for the albums my favorite tracks were off, it turned out they were just singles. The album had never been released in the first place.

RIP – The Album – 1948 – 2013

A problem with playlists is that they shear away their songs’ contexts. And without context, it can become hard to even hold onto a band’s name.

This is how it often goes for me: A song tickles my ear, I put it on my current playlist, and it becomes part of the mood of the month. Then I tire of it and start a new playlist. Soon I only hear that song if I go back and play an old playlist. The song fades from memory. And all of this happens without me ever even really noticing the artist’s name or wondering who they are, what else they’ve done.

This problem is exponentially worse when your mechanism for discovering new music is no longer music blogs or record store clerk recommendations or friends’ playlists but instead, playlists generated “for you” by a Fortune 500 company’s algorithm. At first, it’s amazing—how did you never know of these songs that sound so much like the songs you love? But there are diminishing returns. The algorithm runs out of things to recommend that sound similar to what you already like. It starts recommending the same songs over and over. And slowly you realize that it has been pandering to your taste, rather than expanding or challenging it.

That’s bad enough, but this fall I learned something much worse: Spotify has been auctioning off spots on its algorithmic playlists. Spots on its “made for you” playlists are being sold to the highest bidder. (Read more in this great WIRED article.) This dystopian remix of the old payola system where labels paid radio stations to spin their songs goes further than the original, making a promise to me that it will provide recommendations customized to my taste while in reality furnishing my ears for sale to a paying record label.

This all on a service that, I remind you, I pay for.

It’s like that meme:
         In Soviet Russia, TV watch you!

Spotify’s version is both lamer and more dystopian:
         In late capitalism, music software sell you to record label!

I don’t know about you, but this kind of corporate chicanery makes my blood boil. It’s so disrespectful of my time. And it’s such a breach of the deal I thought I was making with the company I pay. It’s bullshit.

So I decided to quit. Which forced me to go looking for another music streaming service. I checked out Tidal and Qobuz. But for now, the service I’m using is actually a modern take on an old friend: iTunes reborn as a streaming service, now known (tragically) as Apple Music.

The best thing about Apple Music is that it is designed in such a way as to encourage you to use the library metaphor. Just like in the old iTunes. Except that here you have unlimited access to basically all music ever made. You browse through this unending catalog in the “Apple Music” section of the app. But unlike with Spotify, in this software when something catches your fancy you click the little “+Add” button, and it then appears among the albums stored in the “Library” section of the app.

You’re not forever wandering the Tower Records, trying to remember what you liked. Instead, you just take what you like and add it to your collection, your personal library.

Additionally, the column browser is back! For me, this is the ultimate tool for navigating a big, personalized library of music. And after all, a serious librarian needs to have a good card catalog.

I’m much happier with the switch than I thought I would be. Ultimately, I feel like it’s put me back in control of my music habits. I’m listening to full albums a lot more. I’m returning to artists I loved long ago. And now when I set out to find new music, it’s easier to keep the artists I find close to hand in the days and months after discovery. I find that I have a much better chance of really getting to know them.

Another small thing: the default setting is that albums end when they end. There’s none of this “Spotify will keep playing similar music forever and ever” garbage. Instead, throughout my day I now find myself in that most blissful of states: deep silence. And if I consciously decide that I want more music, I just take a minute and pick something else out to put on.

Of course nothing is perfect, and this software has its flaws. It’s weirdly sluggish, especially with search. It’s impossible to enlarge album art, and when you try to do so by double-clicking the art, you trigger the mini-player, from which it’s then difficult to switch back to the full-size player. Playlists insist on sorting alphabetically. Non-user-generated playlists can’t be nested in folders. The logo is ugly.

But these are small problems compared to my problems with Spotify. Ultimately, I want software that empowers me. Apple Music does a better job of that than any other streaming software I’ve tried.

This whole process has reminded me of another epoch in my relationship with recorded music. This was a single summer when I was an awkward thirteen-year-old living for the school vacation with my dad. I really wanted to explore music, so I tried to convince him to give me money to buy music off iTunes. I think he gave me twenty bucks. I blew it on a subpar Sublime album and one song by Gorrillaz.

I wasn’t satisfied, so next I tried to convince him to let me download LimeWire, the successor to Napster, on the family computer. If I couldn’t buy music, maybe I could steal it.

He refused. He wanted a DMCA summons no more than Harvard did.

We settled on a middle ground: a sketchy iTunes Music Store clone hosted on a Russian URL and called something like Its catalog wasn’t as extensive as the original, but it was pretty darned big. And it had one main differentiating factor on its side: every song cost $.10 to download. This, we both more or less knew, was because we were dealing with criminals. But for whatever reason we couldn’t resist it, and I spent the summer buying albums for $1.50 a pop on his credit card. It felt amazing, every time I added a new album and listened to it. It was ownership and at the same time it was supremely affordable. It was like being rich.

I remember downloading the Magnetic Fields’s big album off that Russian website, and the entire Modest Mouse discography, and Sting’s Brand New Day. I listened to those albums over and over and over. As I listened, though, I sometimes felt pangs of remorse. I knew I’d done a bad thing, I’d stiffed these bands I loved. I felt like a jerk.

And here we are, not twenty years later, using streaming services that pay the labels only a small fraction of what I once considered highway robbery. When I stream a song, Spotify pays $.0032 per stream, while Apple Music pays only $.0056. Even on the more generous of the two, I have to play a song twenty times before they get a single dime. It doesn’t seem right.

Writing this all out, the conclusion I’ve come to is that one profoundly flawed system has replaced another. Today, an amazing riches of music is available to everyone, but artists, especially smaller acts, get royally screwed. I think of Tamaryn, at the beginning of the pandemic, taking a job at an Amazon warehouse to pay the bills.

That’s where we’re at as a society. The people walking away with the money are Spotify (worth $40B) and Apple (worth $3T). Meanwhile, most artists work day jobs, creating this whole thing out of love and ambition and passion and sheer willpower. And often they give up. Or are too tired to go on. I can’t help but imagine how much richer our musical culture would be if tens of thousands more people could afford to be musicians full time. It’s not like our society—the richest in the history of our species—couldn’t afford to do it. (And hell, we basically did, a generation ago, at the height of the CD, and that despite the labels taking home the lion’s share of the money.)

I have to believe that something better is possible. A decade from now, I hope we have a new streaming platform. I imagine it would be a platform worthy of the name. Collectively owned and truly customizable, software geeks could build all sorts of apps on top of it, artists could use it to truly connect with their listeners, and niche communities could find ways to flourish and mutate and grow. Rather than a few companies dominating, there would be an anarchy of different players and approaches.

Until then, though, I doing the least I can: I’m canceling my Spotify account. For now, I’m using Apple Music, and I recommend you do the same.

(Thank you to Hunter Gagnon for helping edit this essay. This essay was originally featured in Lightplay, my email newsletter. To receive Lightplay in your email inbox, subscribe here.)